


What If Everything Went Wrong...

by Howlynn



Series: Law of Sod [1]
Category: Inspector Lewis, Lewis (TV)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Dreams, DI Hathaway, DS Maddox - Freeform, Drama & Romance, Fake Character Death, Fix-It of Sorts, Happily Gayness ever after, James Hathaway - Freeform, James Hathaway/Robbie Lewis - Freeform, James not coping, M/M, Mentions of Violence, Miserable boys in love, Not Canon Compliant, Not Really Character Death, Pining James, Post-Canon, Robbie Lewis/James Hathaway - Freeform, Robbie comes back, Robert Lewis - Freeform, Season/Series 09 Spoilers, Sexual Humor, adult conversation, canon twists, scenes from show with bad outcomes, sod's law
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-16 11:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5826016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howlynn/pseuds/Howlynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James is surviving while Robbie is in New Zealand, but he is far from Okay.  When Robbie comes back from his trip for the funeral of James' father, can they find a way to have a proper happy ending?  All the worst has happened in James' mind - where is his real life headed?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What If Everything Went Wrong...

What if everything went wrong…

 

 

James sat in the pub waiting for Robert. His pint was half gone and he was fiddling with the glass by disrupting the turgor pressure of the condensation under his pint, lifting the glass until it released then letting it reestablish repeatedly.  He’d made a decision.

_His mind was not on board._

James was at Robbie’s flat when his opportunity seemed to come. Robert Lewis had been flirty and sweet all evening, so when he reached around him in the kitchen, James quickly turned and stooped slightly and pressed his lips to Robbie’s.

The older man didn’t move at first then the blow came so hard against his chest that James toppled to the floor. He stared up at the older man as Robbie spit and wiped his arm against his mouth as if displacing a bad taste. 

Robert glared, disheveled and wild eyed, at him. “What the bloody hell? Hathaway?”

“I’m sorry?” James whispered mortified.

“As you damned well should be. What the hell was that?  I am not …like that. “

“Please…it was just a mistake…”James felt his heart falling into the pits of desperate despair.

“Damned right it was. For God’s sake, what is wrong with you? “

James looked up at him, eyes pleading. “I care about you.  I am sorry.  I didn’t mean to…”

“I think you should go. You and your bloody Yorkie bar lying mouth.  How dare you?” Robbie said low and dangerous.

“Sir.” James stood with the tiny speck of dignity he had left and casting his eyes downward simply walked out the door.

A few cold miserable mornings later, he would be found floating frozen and drowned in the Cherwell. His scull would be wrecked and it would be called a tragic accident.  

_No – that could not work. His Robbie would be kinder.   But what of his family?_

Lynn Lewis dropped her charming smile the second her father had said ‘together as in sharing the same flat and toothpaste and soap, me lass. I mean he and I are a we.”

The tears. The harsh words. Lynn demanding that James leave and the things she said as the two of them left her and the wee bairn in the doorway. Robbie’s silence on the drive home. The weeks he spent weeping in secret, thinking James couldn’t see.

A day came in which both just knew it was never going to get better.   They promised they would stay friends, but James took a promotion and went to London to work with Scotland Yard.  He missed Robbie’s funeral, because he was on a case and it was all the way up in Manchester.

 Gurdip sent him a video of Robbie singing Blaydon Races and told him everyone cried like little babies when it was passed around the Nick.  He’d only been fully retired for two years and lots of people recalled how his sergeant and he had been so close.  They wondered where Hathaway was?  Why hadn’t he spoken?  James was embarrassed to tell him that nobody bothered to tell him that Robert Lewis died on a bypass machine during open heart surgery.  Lynn never acknowledged the donation James made in the name of Robert Lewis to the COPS- Care of Police Survivors for the dependents of slain officers.

_No – they would never drift apart like that. He couldn’t stand it.  Robbie loved his family but he was not some sodding push over. He would fight if he wanted this._

James smiled bashfully at Lewis as he slipped his hand in the older man’s.

Robbie sighed and looked miserable but squeezed his fingers.

“What is it? Robert?”

“Look lad, I don’t know how to say this…I think the whole world of you. I didn’t know what to say but I just can’t let this go on.  I wanted to be all open minded and hipster, but it just isn’t me.  I can’t pretend.  This is never going to work like that for me.  I thought maybe…well Laura told me not to knock it until you try it and I don’t want you to think I didn’t try…I Just…I am straight, Lad.  This just feels all wrong to me.  I do care or I wouldn’t have let it go this far, you see?”

James silently nods and stands. He gives Robbie Lewis a last smile and walks away. 

Three years later Father James Hathaway’s ashes are returned to Mr. and Mrs. Robert Lewis along with a letter from his Cardinal praising his efforts in caring for Boka Haram victims in Africa. He sits on the mantle for a number of years until Laura passes two decades after her husband and her niece unknowingly knocks him from his place and tosses his remains in a dust bin whilst cleaning out her belongings.  She never heard of James Hathaway. 

_God. That was bloody horrific. Robbie would have had them laid to rest together surely?_

_No. Stop it.  You have decided to tell him and no matter the outcome…_

But of course he chickened out. He smiled and was sarcastic and Robbie never suspected the horrible confession he had almost heard from James that night.  Robert didn’t go to New Zealand and they carried on as always and everything was fine. 

James knew the second the searing heat ripped through his chest he didn’t have long. He made eye contact with Robert and the older man was at his side in an instant, danger be damned.  He was scrambling at James clothes and James saw the moment he realized that he only had minutes to live if that.

“Been more than an honour, Sir. “ James wheezed.

Robbie shook his head and the fear and anger was shocking. “Don’t you bloody dare? Help will be here soon.”

“Don’t think it works like on telly. Sir. Please let me say this.  I love you.  I will always…lo..love…”

James stands beside his body watching stodgy old straight Lewis scream and beg until he is dragged away from the body of his friend. It takes SOCO nearly four hours to move him.  James feels pure horror at all the people come to gape at him in his soiled trousers and his vacant blue eyes reflect his tortured soul as they slowly cloud.

The Ghost can’t quite remember why he stays with the old drunk. But he can’t leave.  The old man sobs and drools and drinks and begs someone to forgive him, but the Ghost can’t remember anyone exactly any more.  He just knows that he was loved once and he somehow failed this man.  So he hovers and tries to figure out why he can’t leave. 

_James shakes his head and shudders. He goes to the counter and orders another pint.  Robbie should be here by now._

James phone rings and he answers.

It is Laura and her voice is muffled as if she has a cold. There has been an accident. 

He races to the John Radcliffe and Laura meets him at the reception. “He’s gone, love. It was very fast and peaceful and he wanted me to…to tell you that he loved you from the second he saw you.  He begged me to tell you.  He planned to tell you tonight.  I am so sorry.” Her face is full of sympathy. 

_No. I will take this chance.  I will tell him.  No matter what it means, I will tell him, and then I will accept whatever he thinks of it.  I could not live if he died never knowing how deep my feelings for him are.  He may not return them but it is still worth a chance even if it is only friendship._

Hathaway didn’t notice the man at the bar ordering a round and observing him.

Robbie smiled to himself. It was Laura who clued him in to the DI Hathaway’s dark moods.  Robbie sat next to James and pushed his pint over. 

James sat with a stiff gravity to his shoulders and held his breath, ghosted a smile and took a deep breath only to not know how to let it out.

“Something on your mind?” Robbie said in his innocent baiting voice.

“I…Erm. Well. Sir, Robert, I need to have a talk with you and I have no idea how this may be construed…but…uheemm…”

“Yes? Go on, James?”

I… The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost. Gilbert K. Chesterton,” James blurted.

Robbie glanced at James and raised his eyebrows taking a sip of his pint.

James looked at him so gone astray and full of misery. “I may lose you.”

Robbie nodded, “We are already friends. That’s just love without wings?”

“That is Hugo…sort of.” James said brows furrowed.

Robbie looked at him with intense consideration, “Have you perchance grown a set? Of wings, me lad?”

James looked at him with amazement winning the war on embarrassment. “How…?”

Robbie shrugged. “Does it matter, if we get there?”

“I had a whole speech and …reasons…and I have been sitting here in pure terror…”

Robbie smirked, sipped his beer and shrugged. “Typical. You and me.  You overthink and I follow the evidence and we both end up in the same place.  It’s why we work.”

James blew his breath out in relief. He shook his head in amazement and release.  “Is this remotely possible?  Us?”

Robbie’s eyes twinkled, “Only one way to find out, Bonny Lad.”

James blinked and the corners of his mouth turned up in that secret smile he could only manage around Lewis.

“Corse it won’t be easy. Know-it-all knobs haven’t a chance against Geordie charms and you may find it difficult not to pine for me once I retire.”

James looked confused and hesitated to respond.

Robbie shrugged and deadpanned, “We should probably get some snogging and a bit of rumpy-pumpy out of the way just so we can establish that the moving in together is worth the hassle, but that’s up to you because you may have to train me up a little…no experience with a bloke before so I may be a slow learner. I expect you to be a good teacher, mind.”

“I will endeavor to follow in your example. “

“I have a few years on you, as you well know. Hope you won’t consider your effort a waste of time?”

James smirked and snorted slightly. He shook his head as Robbie’s words settled deep in his soul, “I have a feeling that won’t be an issue.  I did manage to teach you how to use your phone and that was much more technical.”

“Aye. Never too old to learn. Proper motive is the key,” Robbie agreed with a glimmer in his eye James had never seen before.

“Indeed. I…what do we do now? “ James looked slightly baffled.

“Depends.”

“On?”

“When you can fit me first lesson into your busy schedule?” Robbie said with a satisfied grin.

James gulped his pint and belched loudly. “Well. I seem to have an opening right now.”

Robbie looked scandalized. Then he tipped his own pint dry and returned the manly mating call.  They both giggled and headed out the door. 

On the way to the car, Hathaway finally asked, “I didn’t think you were…well… gay to be indiscreet.”

Robbie looked introspective for a second then asked, “Well, if you got over your priestly celibacy, seems like no bother to get over my limited road map. All leads to the same spot, doesn’t it?  A place where love rules, not the vessel?”

Hathaway looked at him with pure adoration for a split second before closing his gapping mouth and replying, “Never pegged you for a romantic, Robert. That was quite eloquent.”

“Yeah, well, just to be clear, lad, your vessel is about as lovely as they come. It already spoke to my vessel and it has been committing the sin of solitary sinfulness for some time.  There. Confessed and it is your duty to absolve me.”

James looks uncomfortable. “I am no priest in the first place and have no authority to do so and most importantly, You have to be truly sorry for it to work.  Are you sorry?”

Robbie strutted just a bit and answered, “Not in the least.”

James blushed, his ears shown pink in the moonlight. “I have had to say a few Hail Mary’s myself.” His bashful smile flashed, disappeared and flashed again with a chuckle.

_James sighed in misery, knowing that simply was the most idiotic wish of all. Laura pushing Robert into his arms, how absurd._

 

Robbie finally arrived and they mostly talked about the case until James got a call from the care home reporting that his father had taken a fall. He never had the chance to say a word. 

Robert seemed shocked to see him at the crime scene and didn’t seem to want him there. “We don’t do hand holding!” James said in stunned exasperation.

He nearly said something after the ‘small bomb’ but he needed to calm down then Moody popped by and put Robert in a foul humor. Upon returning to the station, Robbie got an ear full from Laura and suddenly he wasn’t going to New Zealand. 

Somehow James for a dashing second thought it was because the bomb had scared Robert enough that he’d somehow picked James instead. He had jauntily asked Robert, “That’s your decision?”  But his words had irritated Robert further.

“Do you love her?”

James was taken aback by the fury he saw in Roberts’s eyes. He didn’t understand.  He tried to apologize but reaching Robbie once he was pushed too far was not the easiest thing. 

The next thing he knew, the case was solved and Robbie Lewis was again leaving his life for six months. It felt like swallowing poison. 

He canceled the taxi and dug the stupid sign out of the box he had it stored in. He took them to the airport and wished them both well.  It wasn’t the end he’d hoped for but Robbie seemed too happy to notice. 

“You deserve it.” He choked out.

Robbie for one second saw. “I have to get there first.  And so do you. Deserve to be happy.”

James shrugged and looked at Robbie with open longing. “I have to get there first,” He parroted wanting to say so much more. 

At the last second, he’d reached out and touched Robbie’s shoulder as he’d walked away. One last brief moment of contact, unnoticed as the couple walked purposefully toward the next place.  James watched the two figures get small.  Robbie never looked back. 

James stood and watched the plane take off and the last thing he remembered was an inexpressible agony as he turned and walked away from the bright light of the windows.

His head throbbed and he woke to hospital smells and beeping. He felt pain and nausea and his bladder burned.  He groaned and tried to open his eyes to the out of focus world. 

A Straw. A soothing familiar voice.  Ecstasy of cool liquid soothing his thirst.  His mouth tasted awful.  He smelled and his eyes were gritty and not functioning properly. 

“James? Can you hear me?  Do you know where you are? “

“Laura?” he asked in confusion. “Why aren’t you in New Zealand?”

Laura sniffed and wiped her eyes quickly, “Oh, James.” She shook her head.

“Where’s Robert?” He asked searching for a Lewis shaped blob in the room.

“What is the last thing you remember?” She asked carefully. 

“Taking you to the airport. Watching your plane take off.  Going back to the dark underground carpark.” 

Laura didn’t say anything.

“Why are you crying? I can hear you?  Did the plane crash?”

“I’m so sorry. There was no plane crash.  There was a bomb.” She said warily.  

“At the airport?” James asked confused still.

“No. You were working a case and you were about to speak with David…”

“But that was ages ago. We solved that. Robbie found the clue.  He blew up his own brother…”

“And himself, and you and Robbie…”Laura added.

James moved his head and winced. “I don’t understand.  Laura?  Where is Robert…Please…Tell me.”

“I’m so very sorry, love. They did everything they could for him. He never woke up.  We thought we’d lost you too until a few hours ago.  Your sister, has been in and out, dealing with your father too.  She will be back soon. “Laura speaks quickly as if the more words she says the easier it will be not to feel them. 

“No.” James says quietly.

Laura breaks down as her only confirmation. When she finally gets herself back under control, she rattles off his injuries with a dull flair.  “You need to rest.  Not out of the woods, but so long as you do exactly as you’re told, now that you are awake, you should be able to make a full recovery. “

“Sounds a bit bleak.” James said, his heart pounding and his emotions about to boil as he felt the first throbs of grief shudder through his heart. He turned away and closed his eyes, suddenly exhausted and welcoming the blackness. 

He sat in the airport again, watching the planes come and go and the people milling through. Arrivals and departures all oblivious to his still form.

The man in the blue and gold tropical shirt sat down beside him.

“You’re not in bloody New Zealand. “

“No.” Robbie answered with a shy shrug added as an apology.

“Why are you here?” James asked in irritation.

“Missed me plane. Was afraid you’d turn back up.  Didn’t get a proper goodbye, “ Robert said kindly. 

“I don’t want a proper goodbye. I’m going with you.  Always told you I would,” James said searching his pocket for a fag because the rules could go bugger right off.  He found one and lit it, blowing the smoke into the air. Nobody batted an eye. 

“Keep that up you certainly will. A lot sooner than I’d like,” Robbie stated.  “They just took you off the damned machine.”

James took another puff and stood.

“Where are you going?”

James strolled away tossing over his shoulder, “Ticket counter.”

That got Robbie moving. He followed James.  He grasped his arm and spun him.  “No. Don’t do this.  You have a whole life…ahead.”

“So did you.”

“I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t have any choice.  You do.”

James smiled and nodded, “Yes. And I have made it. This is my decision.”

“You can’t canny, lad. You just can’t.”

“Watch me. I don’t think you can stop me and there isn’t one thing I want back there.” James breaks away and strides toward the counter again.

“I know why!” Robbie calls after him. “I always knew. If it is true, you won’t do this to me.  You will wait for your flight, when it is your time.”

James stops and closes his eyes, shaking his head. He pulls hard on the cigarette and strides back toward his former Guv.  “How can you say that to me?  If you…know.”

“I had changed my mind. I figured it out.  I wasn’t going to New Zealand.  I was going to tell her.  I do love her.  I just loved you…more.  Hadn’t worked out how best to say it.  Ran out of time. “

“I can’t. I can’t go back there, knowing I will never see you again. Please, Robert. Try to understand. Don’t ask that of me. Anything but that,”  James said, his head bowed and yet his eyes locked to Lewis’.

“Trust me?” Lewis said with compassion.  “Go back and trust me?”

“I don’t understand…No matter what I do, everything goes wrong.” James felt pulled through a tunnel and was suddenly aware his phone was chirping.

“Hathaway.” He mumbled groggy with sleep.

“Sorry to disturb you sir.”

 _God he had to stop sleeping on the sofa with casefiles for pillows and scotch for dinner_.  “MMMpff. Time izzit?”

“Half six. We have a shout.  You sound a bit like death got a microwave, sir. “

“I was trying. Missed my plane.  Get on with it?”  Maddox gave him the brief details and so another day began and James went through the motions. 

He came home to the dark flat and had just poured his first drink of the night when his phone chirped. “You need to come.” Nell said softly. 

He read to his Dad late into the night. He didn’t hold his hand, but Nell did and that was better. 

He didn’t notice the quiet until his sister softly said his name. He held his breath for a moment, marking the place he would stop as his eyes blurred.  There were papers to sign and fiddly things to be done that he really couldn’t quite comprehend.  Nell said they would meet tomorrow to make arrangements and he was so exhausted that he just nodded.  He arrived home and finished the drink he’d poured when his father was still in the world.  Then he had three more to go with it. 

There was only one thing he needed right now more than anything. He dialed the number and waited.

“James. Man! We were just talking about you.” Robert’s voice, all warmth and cheer, filled James’ chest with light as he bit his lips to stifle a sob.  “How are you?”

“Been better, in fact,” He admitted with a teary grin.

“James? Is it your dad?” Robert’s voice softened with an edge of concern.

“He ..umm…Yeah.” James took a deep breath and held it to regain control. “He’s gone.  Couple of hours ago.  Just wanted to…let you know.”  He shook his head knowing how lame that sounded.  Robbie never met him.

“What do you need? Just tell me, and I will…no never mind.  Laura?  Book me a flight? “

“No, Robert. That is far too much. I just wanted to hear your voice…that’s all…”

“Okay. I’m back. Sorry you were saying?  Huh?  Really?  Yeah – that will do.  Listen James, I will be there About this time tomorrow but I have to go right now if I am going to make this flight. “ Robert was moving faster than James could respond.

“No. You cant. It’s a twenty three hour flight.”

“Aye. I remember. Just slept through one four months ago.”

“But.”

“No But’s. Gannin now. Me.  I’ll be there.” Robert  said firm and sure before he rang off.  

“Should I …pick you up…”James asked before he realized the connection was gone. He let out a frustrated growl.  He had not intended Robert drop everything for him, but he couldn’t deny that he wanted it more than he could explain.  He gave into a moment of selfish tears and when they evaporated he called in and left word with the duty Sergeant that he would be in to work late.  He changed into tracky bottoms and stripped off his button-down, leaving only his vest. Then, he finished yet another drink and leaned his head back in exhaustion.

There were nightmares, as there always seemed to be…

Robbie sat on his sofa, in a tatty old robe and James had sat down before he realised he’d forgotten his pants. He grabbed for a pillow, because somehow Robert had not noticed yet.  His trousers were hanging on a chair, winking at him, but out of reach.

Robert began talking about all the things he’d never tried in life, with some explicit euphemisms that James found less convoluted by the second and of course it kicked in James’ libido and due to his somewhat freakish anatomy, the pillow was less than adequate to hide his growing interest in the conversation.

Robert looked over and his eyes grew wide in shock.

James startled and awoke. He was alone other than his knob peeping up at him, having expanded out of his trousers.  He sighed in frustration.  He had been teased his entire life because of his size and when he could not maintain control of his urges, the blasted thing could seek the sun and it mortified him. 

Oh, people always thought they wanted to live large so to speak, but the actual logistics of his porn star proportions were a nightmare. Regular release was his only path to maintaining any hope of decorum.  He attended to matters at once as he reveled in the fact that Robbie would actually be here in less than a day.  There was no hope of ever seeing the fruition of his cerebral adventures, but they were an efficient means of restoring his sanity. 

The whole station was subdued, obviously for his benefit and he thanked them all for their kind words and watched the clock. Laura finally texted him Robert’s flight details and he met with a somber parade of people as he and Nell dealt with the details. 

“It is like planning a horrible wedding.” Nell offered with a shrug.

James smiled and picked the blue and green casket spray in the picture. “I like this.  Reminds me of the sea.”

Nell looked at him closely before nodding. “Okay then. He’d like that.” 

The day passed and James sat in his office to pass the time until he could head South to pick up Robert.

It was still dark when the flight landed. James waited, craving a fag and antsy. 

James saw him finally and they each lifted their chins in acknowledgement.   Robbie gave him a sad knowing smile and asked, “Are you for me?”

James giggled too loud and yet a stray tear erupted out of each eye and he let Robbie hold him for just a moment and it felt like he could at last take a deep breath. Finally when he’d smelled him surreptitiously and felt  his warmth seeping into him, James said sarcastically, “I shall need to put in a store of Yorkie bars if this lasts much longer. “

“Sod ‘em all. Bit past that, aren’t we, Lad? Been the talk of the Nick for years, me.  Fraid I soiled your lilly white reputation long ago.” Robert fired back. 

“As you do…” James said warm and pleased.

“Where did you park?”

James looked down, “Luggage?”

“No time. Needed a new suit anyway.  Lost a bit of weight, me.  Not a level path to be had.  And she took up hiking. Bloody miserable place.” Robbie complained as they walked.

“Really?” James prompted in confusion.

Eyes twinkling Lewis chattered on a bit about his travels, “No, it’s spectacular to look at. Just hell on an old man’s knees and the tea tasted like it was brewed with toenails. Laura finds it exhilarating and romantic.  Her cousin, the wanker, hates my guts and has set her up with three blind dates partially disguised as dinner parties and she thinks I’m a curmudgeon for finding that hostile.”

James listened in baffled indignation. “The tosser. I will smuggle sufficient quantities of arsenic to you if it would help the situation.”

Robbie shrugged. “Not sure it would.”

“Should you leave your fair damsel in his evil clutches whilst you faff off to Oxford? “

Robert grinned up at him and winked, “With any luck at all…”

James’ eyes widened but he could think of no appropriate response.

The funeral was small but nicely attended. His father’s fishing mates seemed to overtake the proceedings.  Scarlett attended the service and seemed friendly but James responded with cool polite diffidence and much less enthusiasm. 

Robbie was crashing in his bedroom which was no bother because of James’ penchant for his gigantic sofa. The social proprieties ending, James and Robbie, had some time for sitting and talking.

“Though I dread bringing it up. How long do you plan to stay?” James asked with trepidation.

“Depends on how long I’m welcome.”

James cleared his throat and tilted his head toward Robert, “One way ticket then.”

Robert’s eyebrows shot up doing that adorable forehead wrinkle that James loved. He looked at James pointedly. “As a matter of fact, yes.”

James’ eyebrows went down and he frowned. “What are you saying?”

“Guess I am telling you, I am not going back.”

“What? Why?” James lifted his head as if on alert.

Robbie swallowed. “I don’t belong there.  This is home. “

“What about Laura?” James looks angry, “This isn’t going to be retiring from your retirement all over again—“

“Not like that. I had planned on coming next week anyway.  She knows.  May have demanded it a little. “

“You’ve lost me. How…makes no…”

“I really hope I haven’t. Lost you that is.” Robbie said pouring another glass of scotch.

James tried to wrap his head around what was actually said. “Am I asleep again? Have I been drinking?”

Robert laughed. “I wouldn’t call either of us stone sober.”

James sat up and looked around carefully. He stood and began searching his flat.

“Did you hear a burglar? What in the name of God are you looking for? Trying to have a conversation here.”

James stopped and went to the taps, turning them on and off. He looked in his fridge. “ Looking for the wrong things.  When I dream after drinking, there are things that are wrong.  There are always things that are…” He banged his hand hard on his counter and winced at the sting.”Oh…ffffuu….”James held his hand and flexed it.

“Jesus, Mary and…How long has this been going on?”

“You broke up with Laura? And you waited a week to tell me this?”

Robbie threw his hands in the air and with exasperation replied, “Had a few other issues on me mind that came first. When did this nightmare business start?  What have you been doing to yourself?  You are thin as a rake, you scream in your sleep, For me! There were enough bottles in your wheelie-bins for a party and I don’t think you have had any mad bashes to account for them.  Joe says you keep the hours of a bloody vampire. Lizzy says you are off the rails when it comes to taking reasonable precautions.  You were in a knife fight with a suspect a month ago and got forty stiches and I had to find it out from your sergeant.  Yes I was coming back.  How could I bloody not? “ 

“I don’t need you to mind me, Robert. She called you?  I am going to …”

“What? Get rid of her? Because she cares?  Because she sees?  It wasn’t your fault that your Dad died, James.  You can’t drink away nightmares.”

“I don’t want you here.” James says cool and sick.

“Too bloody bad.”

“Then I will leave.” James shouted, face red and twisted with anger.

“The hell you will. You have been drinking!”

James rolled his eyes having to agree with that point. He stood breathing heavily for a long time. Robbie waited, not taking his eyes off him.

His voice was calm, low and dangerous when James spoke, “The nightmares are not about my father. They are about you.  Every night you are shot, burned,  the plane goes down, snake bit, bleed out in my arms, hate me, die or anything my mind can dream up that takes you away from me.  Then I wake up and you are already gone.  I planned to tell you things.  Before you left.  I planned… and every time I tried…something went wrong or I would imagine how angry you would be and it all just…You went to get on that plane and you didn’t look back – not once.  I stood there and watched it climb into the sky and I went on a four day bender.   I was hung over when Ralston Baker came at me.  I missed the knife, obviously.  I was too ashamed to tell you.  Now why are you here and not with Laura, and please…dear God…if you have ever cared for me in the slightest, get to the point because I am about to walk out that door and the last time I did that, I ended up walking across Bloody Spain…Twice.”

Robert sighed heavily and flopped back down on the sofa. “Come here, bonny lad.  We really need to …Please  Just sit wi’ me for a while.  Let me…Please?”

James rolled his head from side to side as if to relieve a crick in his neck. He sat down and picked up his glass of scotch, starring into the bottom of it as if it were an oracle.

“I didn’t want to go. She figured out why.  The truth, she did.  But I did go and everything just went wrong.  We bickered about everything.  She was either at work or talking about work or wanting to hike every bloody grand view in the country.  Popped over to see me son one weekend.  Was like meeting a stranger.  Thought I was bored when I retired? Hmmph.  I was about to go mad over there.  Not her fault.  Drove her away.”

“Go on?”

“No need to dig it all out, mind. Lizzy called and I was so afraid.  I waited. Thought you’d tell me.  It hurt that you didn’t.  Laura asked me what I expected.  Worse fight we ever had.  I said stuff, she said stuff.  What it came down to was that she got it in her head I broke your heart and I deserved it all for being so bloody minded and not bothering to tell you.  She loves me.  I love her. She said I took the easy path and it was costing me me soul.  I was furious with her.  But mostly because she was right.  So when you called me and I thought you needed me…well I couldn’t get here fast enough. “

“I did need you. I do.”

“I need you. I didn’t know it but you seem to have me eaten up with the want of you. So everything just went wrong and I don’t know what you want for sure, but however we are…you are home to me.  However you will have me. James.  I am too old for you to want for long, but whatever I get, I will take it and be glad of it.”  He shrugged again signaling he was finished. 

James let out a deep breath, blowing it out dramatically. “You are not …I am not sure exactly what is on the table here.  Love, friendship…you ever had a bloke?  Like in an indelicate way?”

Robbie smirked and shook his head as he glanced at James and said, “Don’t believe everything you hear.”

“I don’t quite know if that is a yes or a no.”

“You are the one who told me labels don’t define us. You have been pretty damn cryptic yourself  And don’t give me that quote crap now.  Here’s a Robbie Lewis original.  I happen to see you as more than a set of genitals, though you can be an insufferable dick, mind.”

James snorted a derisive, “You have no idea.”

“I know what I am getting myself into.” Robbie pointedly eyed James’ crotch, “Silk pants don’t hide much when you improvise a swimming costume, daft lad.”

“That is Geordie for romance I suppose.”

Robbie chuckled and gave a sigh. “ Depends on if it’s working.”

“Wretchedly, I believe it is,” James admitted, sneaking a glance at Robert. “What do we do now?”

Robbie looked at him as if he had lost his mind. “Now, there will be kissing.”

“Oh really? You seem to have made some game plan for—“James phone picked that time to interrupt.  “Sergeant Maddox, to what might I attribute your ghastly timing?”

“Sorry, Sir. We have a shout.” The voice on the other end said apologetically. 

“I am not on Rota. Truth is that I have been drinking.”

Lizzy giggled. “Well, I will have uniform swing by for you too.  I already made a plea. Said I wasn’t fit.  Joe ordered us.”

“I don’t understand. Where are Sommerfield and Hollard?” James said with irritation. 

“Not just them. Smith and Brassmen, Hane and Wendall as well as Mark Stubbs and his bagman…All at A&E. Different incidents.  Car smash, near drowning, electric fence and a gunshot.  Been one of those nights that everything that can go wrong has. Proper shambles, it is.  Hell, Joe asked Lewis to tag along.  He tried calling him first just to get the scene processed.  He’s getting a whole new look at our sleepy little constabulary.  Poor bugger’s a bit dischuffed .  He’s on scene three now and Brassmen is still in theatre but supposed to pull through. Sorry to spoil your party but we have a dead guy, well most of him, on the tracks and 700 people waiting for us to get the trains back on the go.” 

James looked at Robbie and grinned with his eyes full of mischief. “Sorry Sir, we have to put a hold on the snogging and intended drunken Rumpy-Pumpy – it seems we have a dead person who requires our attention. “ 

There was silence on the line for four seconds then Lizzy sputtered and burst out laughing, “Shut up! Boff of you are stonking cheeky sods. You best get your kit back on.  I do not want to have to see – You are taking the piss I hope! I am almost at your front door!”

“It would be better if you gave us five minutes,” James said feigning fear. 

“You have got to be…there should be a full-arse moon…this night…just can’t get any more…” The line went dead.

“So, she’s coming to get us?” Robbie asked mildly.

“It appears she is, Robert.”

Robbie grinned and messed up James’ hair. “Just enough rumple to let her play detective, aye?”

They both met Lizzie with guilty looks and snickers.

She took one look and sighed dramatically. “Ewwww…Just.  EWWW!  I mean it’s about damn time, but Eww! Sirs!” 

James is mildly offended, “Wait what? You knew?”

Lizzy’s face blanks into her ‘men are idiots’ expression. “Seriously? Everyone knows. Could I just see your warrant cards? I never thought to check.  Maybe all those awards on the bloody wall are just a cock-up?  Detectives all over the place and you two think you can eye-fuck each other for a decade and nobody would catch on?” She shook her head at them as they stared at her with open mouthed horror. “Congratulations for finally sorting yourselves.  Very happy for you.  Best wishes.  That does not mean I will stand for any lurvey-durvy –Just Ewwww – nobody wants to see their parents post-shag or even joking about any explicit….” 

Lizzy stomped down the steps babbling a hurricane of rules and relationship advice at them.

Robbie looked at James, eyes wide and slightly fearful. “Do you think there is an off switch?”

James sighed deeply and tucked his chin, “Who would be brave enough to look for one?”

Robbie agreed with his smile alone then added, “You have seen this before then?”

James nodded as he finished locking his door. “Once or twice.  My guess is we are in the post tequila pre-J-bomb phase.  Lucky that…”

“Lucky? You mean there is something worse than …”He gestured toward Lizzy, still lecturing and oblivious to her bosses’ expressions. 

“You have not met Hangover-Lizzy yet, “ James said with exaggerated conveyance of mock terror.

“You do realise that it is important to create a sense of command between you and your Sergeant. You want them to be able to confide in you but within proper guidelines of office decorum?”

James appeared to contemplate what Lewis said for a moment. “I would be most agreeable to any real world guidance that you would care to offer, Robert.”

Just then an authoritative shriek from the kerb sounded, “Stop faffing about trying to chat each other up and GET your drunk-arses in the bloody car!”

Robert and James burst out laughing and followed her with all the grace they could manage. It was a given that drunks on a crime scene would probably complete this night of Sod’s Law. 

So long as they were together, the chaos could rage all around them, but these two would let the storms pass, tucked in the corner of a warm pub with a pint of best and a puzzle to solve.

 

~~~~

**If you enjoyed this story, be sure to read part two, which is Robbie's perspective of this story!**

**Author's Note:**

> Hello – I hate that this series is at an end. I adored the boys but the end was just too sad for James in my mind. Here he goes without his guiding star. Just because he’s a big boy doesn’t mean all alone again is a good place for him.  
> (lovely parallels of their Journey together beginning and ending at the airport and THANK GOD they didn’t kill Robbie – the bomb and him closest – I was just sure that was going to be our last episode)  
> But the way James reached for Robbie – that last pat on the shoulder and Robbie just walked on – killed me. Of Course Maybe we will get a Hathaway series one day if Lozza takes a break from his rock-star {ballad star} singing career. You never know – Whately said no to Lewis for years so we can hope just a little bit.  
> I Missed Rebecca Front as Innocent – but WOW I loved Chief Moody – he was so adorkable and clueless. I really thought the world of DS Maddox and I think she and Hathaway could easily carry a series with regular guest bits from Lewis just because he’s the bestest – lol.  
> Anyway – I hope it is clear that all the bad scenarios were Hathaway’s nightmares/daymares tearing him to bits and the last part was the real end – filled with possibilities and promise. I just can’t see Robbie happy in New Zealand with nothing much to do and worrying about James dealing with his Dad alone.  
> I did sort of like the Lewis/Hobson romance idea but in practice they were just too comfortable and it is probably the off-screen shenanigans on set that comes across as sparky between Robbie and James but I can’t help that it does make me ship these characters without reserve.  
> The canon end left me with a melancholy feel and I know the boys have good reasons for it ending – but I don’t have to like it – grin.  
> As always - this is for fun, discussion of character analysis and writing exercise only, I don’t own any characters and please do not copy or use without permission.


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